Piloting from the Co-Pilot seat

I’ve started the process of journalling the entirety of my road trip to nowhere. I’m not sure yet IF I will share it or how I will share it. But for me it is an important part of processing the events of the weekend. And then I’ll have to figure out how to move forward.

But there are certain key moments that keep playing in my mind over and over again. On a loop, that honestly probably isn’t that healthy- but I’m working on that.

NOTE: You should read last week’s blog for context before you continue.

Anyway, one of those moments was after our first pit stop. Gas, food, bathroom. I grabbed Subway because that seemed the only acceptable food source. We ate in the car for reasons I won’t go into here.

When my uncle was ready for his sandwich, I unwrapped it and prepped it for eating before handing it to him. Keep in mind at this point he was still driving. When I handed it to him he made a comment about me “mothering him.” It was said simply enough, but I am no fool. This simple comment was a minefield. So I carefully, and truthfully responded, “No, I’m being a good co-pilot.”

And I was. It is something I would have done for anyone who was driving. But also I know that my uncle does not consider “mothering” a compliment and in a way it was a trap (maybe just subconscious). So the term Co-Pilot was very intentional.

As the trip progressed I thought about that interaction. I was stuck in the Co-Pilot seat when I needed to be piloting the plane (or in this case the car). As it became more and more evident that the person in the Pilot seat wasn’t capable of piloting anymore, I figured out how to Pilot from the Co-Pilot’s seat.

Now, there are other layers here. I was trying to preserve a family bond. I was dealing with someone with dementia, so I had to be careful not to argue. I was afraid for my safety but had to at all times appear calm. And most of all, I had to pitch ideas in a way that made him feel like it was his decision until he was ready to hand over the controls. And we got there. It took an entire day, but he eventually let me take control of the situation, right the plane, and turn us around.

If Life was a Dream and it was my dream… this still isn’t my favorite dream. But because of the lens I use to look at life, I can see the lessons layered within. I have more confidence now than before- that I can go in, assess a situation, and turn it around. And I know now that regardless of “my seat,” if I’m a Pilot, I’m a Pilot.

Do you let the “seat” you are in determine your behavior? Do you know who you are?

The Road Trip to Nowhere, Part 1

I'm still processing the weekend I just had. I am genuinely glad to be alive and grateful for the many people in my life that I love. I am extremely grateful that my work family patiently and empathetically listened as I processed through word vomit today. In order to fully process my experiences this last weekend I will have to write it all out. But today is not that day. 

I will instead focus on one small conversation. The point where we decided to turn back. 

The plan was to drive from Portland to Orange County over two days. We got as far as Redding, CA about 417 miles in to the trip, when I suggested that we stop to sleep and then turn back to Portland in the morning.

My uncle said, "But it will feel like such a waste. We just drove to nowhere." 

We were much closer to Portland than our intended destination and for a dozen reasons I thought it was better to turn around than to keep going. I could always fly back home.

So my response to my uncle was this, "We didn't go nowhere. We took an exciting one day vacation to beautiful Redding, ash covered...near the Lake Shasta fires, Redding." My uncle laughed and he soon agreed that it was indeed for the best. 

This was the point in the trip that I stopped pretending to be the co-pilot and just took charge. The truth was we both charged into this road trip with little preparation, no return plan, and no concept of the physical toll it would take on my uncle (and emotional toll it took on me, but that's for another time). So I called it. I changed our course, I rewrote the plan. 

Sometimes we have to turn around. We have to be brave enough, humble enough to abandon bad plans. 

If Life was a Dream, and it was my dream...this was not an ideal dream and I'd really like to wake up. But, also...this was the perfect metaphor for every calculated risk, or fool hardy decision. You have to be willing to drive 417 miles only to turn back to the starting point when it becomes clear that it is the right thing to do. Sunk costs, travel time already spent, doesn't matter. You have to be willing to get over the feeling of having gone "nowhere." There is something to be learned from every trip, even if you didn't get to your intended destination. 

---

I called this Part 1, but I  don't know how soon I'll write the other parts of this story or if I'll write them for the blog at all. I have some more processing to do before I do that.