Revisiting: Family, Tribe, Community: Tribe Leaders vs. Community Leaders

On February 7,  2018 I posted a blog titled: Family, Tribe, Community. Here is what I wrote then:

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I don't know if other professions do this, but I often hear in my line of work phrases like: "My work family" and "I found my tribe." 

What does that mean? I looked up the definition of family and tribe in the Merriam-Webster dictionary and they both had multiple definitions. I picked one for each:

Family- a group of persons of common ancestry

Tribe- a group of persons having a common character, occupation, or interest

With those definitions tribe seems like a more accurate word. Then I looked up the word Community. 

Community- a unified body of individuals; society at large

If life was a dream, and it was my dream... 

As a leader I seek not to create a family or a tribe, I seek to create a community. A unified body of individuals working together to create something better. We do not have to like each other all the time, we do not have to love each other or believe the same things. We don't have to have the same interests or a common characteristic and we certainly do not need to have a common ancestry. In fact it is more vibrant and valuable the more different we all are. That's how we create something better. 

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And now to revisit-

Short, simple, to the point. So why is it so hard? 

So much easier to side with our Tribe. Because in a tribe we all want the same things. We have the same purpose, mostly the same view points. A Tribal leader works to care for his people, and his people only. The other tribes are not only not his concern, but could pose a threat to his Tribe’s way of life. The tribe serves their leader, and that leader protects their way of life. (Anyone feeling uncomfortable yet?) 

Is that how we should lead a team? It certainly isn’t how we should lead a community.

A Community leader is concerned about the… you guessed it, community! - which by definition is made up of individuals or “society at large.” Which means everyone has value. Even the “crazy” dissenting voice. To her, that voice is a check, and an opportunity. An opportunity to ask more questions, seek answers, and find the most thorough solutions. But there are no winners and no losers. And let’s be clear, not everyone gets what they want (most people don’t get what they want because what they want is not what they need). The loudest voice does not mean it is the right voice. A Community leader serves her community.  She is not scared to face tough questions nor is she scared to ask the tough questions. This is how we get better. 

So dreamers, If Life was a Dream, and it was my dream... We’d have more Community leaders.

Do any of these ideas make you uncomfortable? Do you disagree? Dig deeper. Ask yourself why. If it was your dream… what do these words/ ideas mean to you?

Want vs. Need: 15 questions to ask yourself

Many of us are discovering the difference between want and need right now. And it might be confusing if you’ve never had to define your wants vs. your needs (or you haven’t in a long time).

For the last 6 or so years, my family and I picked 1-2 month of the year (not usually consecutive) to engage in a financial diet (okay I picked it and made my family participate). 

A Financial Diet is pretty much what you think it is. You restrict how you spend money for a short amount of time in order to create new (hopefully long lasting) habits. 

The rules are simple- for 30 days, only spend money on what you have to. If there is a bill, it gets paid. But other than that if it can wait 30 days or there is another way to accomplish the goal without spending money, then that’s what you do. 

 You cook at home, brew your coffee at home, put off trips to the salon, find free ways to entertain yourself (and the family). But you still take care of the essentials- crucial car maintenance/repair, grocery shopping, medical care, you get the idea.  Any of this feel familiar?

Financial diets taught me, long before the pandemic, that two of my main stress coping mechanisms are shopping and eating. Because it gave me the feeling that I had control over something. But the financial diet taught me to ask, do I NEED this or do I just WANT it so bad it feels like a need (especially when it came to shopping). And during what I call our “force financial diet” back when I was pregnant with our second child and my husband got laid off, I was forced to confront those spending habits with “no cheating.”  

I learned to ask myself (and my family) a series of questions to determine the difference between what we needed and what we wanted. I developed these questions while I was a hormonal stressed mess. So, given the current state of the world I thought I’d share, in hopes they could help some of you. Here they are:

15 Questions to ask yourself to distinguish between a need and a want.

1. Does it have to happen right now? 

2. How long can it wait? 

3. What are the consequences if I wait (physical or emotional)?

4. Are the consequences real or made up?

5. Can I live with the consequences? 

6. What is the cost of getting it right now?

7. What is the cost of waiting?

8. What do I gain if I get it right now? 

9. What do I lose? 

10. Is it important? 

11. Why is it important? 

12. Is the importance a feeling or a fact? 

13. Do I have the willpower to wait (BTW-answering no doesn’t make it a need)? 

14. Can I find the willpower to wait? 

15. Is there another way or another option to accomplish the goal (a.k.a. A cheaper or free option)? 

And one bonus question:

Why?

After each answer to a question (or if you remember nothing else) ask why at least 5 times. Why do I need this? Why? Why? Why? Why? The point is to drill down further each time to get to the root. 

If after answering all those questions you determine that it is a want, but it’s a want that you just don’t have the willpower to wait for, then at least you’ve learned something and you're being honest with yourself. You can use that lesson next time.

If there are any other questions you’ve learned to ask yourself share them in the comments!

Patience. Perseverance.

Last week, about a day and a half into my work furlough, I tripped doing some “light” yard work. It was a bad trip. I twisted, I fell, it was too late for my hands to save me, so I landed on my forearms in the dirt in enough time so that my head didn’t crash into the brick edging, but my chin caught the corner of it. 

My kids were out back with me and my oldest sprang into action. “Mom, are you okay.” “No. Go get your Dad. And some ice.” Soon my husband was outside to help me get out of the planter while I held ice on my face. 

Embarrassed, lame, silly. I felt all those things (and yet it didn’t keep me from posting it on social media). I iced my face, my ankles, my neck, all of my back. I took some acetaminophen, I slept. The next morning new things hurt, and the morning after that another set of extra sore muscles were revealed. So I took it really easy for two days. And then I should’ve been back to normal. Except… 

 I have a pre-existing, permanent back injury. (Dramatic piano music here). So my road back to “normal” is a little more complicated. Instead of 2-3 days of nursing injuries, it will be closer to 3 weeks. At day 9 I’m finally able to do most of my already modified yoga routine, adding back in the strength moves. And yesterday I was able to walk around the block. It was slower than my pace before the fall, and it was just the block, and I was sore after. But I did it. And I will slowly keep building back up to where I was. 

The point of all this is - it takes patience. 

This was a setback.

I got hurt and the recovery isn’t as fast as I want it to be. I have to spend time getting back to where I was, before I can move beyond. It’s frustrating. It’s annoying. But, it’s the pace I need it to be. 

Pushing too hard too soon will put me in great pain. I know this because I’ve done it before (I’m a bit of a klutz). 

Recovery takes patience and perseverance. 

I suspect we can all relate to that on some level right now. 

Be patient. Persevere. 

Glued Back Together

Glued Back Together

Different but okay.

written 4/4/2020

I’m doing a lot of cleaning these days. Like- toothbrush in the tiny places- kinda cleaning. So while I was methodically dusting my knick-knacks I dropped one. My little bone china jewelry holder with a ballet dancer on the lid. I’ve had it as long as I can remember. I was kneeling on the ground so it didn’t drop far. But it was enough to break her arm, her torso, and part of her very delicate tutu. 

As soon as I lost my grip I swore out loud. But when she hit the ground and broke, I didn’t cry or get angry. In fact, my only reaction was to collect the pieces so that I could glue her back together. 

My oldest daughter was really concerned. “Oh no Mom!” she said. But I said to her, and truly meant it, “It’s okay. I’m not sad. I can glue her back together.”

And I did. Her arm and torso fit back into place so you can hardly tell she broke. The tutu, well that’s another story. I collected the tiny fragile pieces, and put them in a little bag to keep, I guess. Before I glued the little ballerina back together I washed her. Not just dusted, but really cleaned her- with a toothbrush. Something I’ve been “too busy” to do for well...a long time. 

She isn’t the same as she was before I dropped her. She can’t be. A little bit of her is missing. But she shines brighter than she has in years. And it made me smile. Because for the first time in almost two years, I felt like there was something clear to write about.

Did you know that when using super glue you have to hold it “firmly” in place for 30 seconds or more? I learned that while holding a teeny tiny bone china arm to a tiny shoulder. Turns out you can hold something delicate firmly together until the glue takes hold.  

This strange time may break us down, it may force us to clean things (maybe parts of ourselves) we haven’t in years. But with a little faith, a steady hand, maybe some super glue, we can put it back together. Not the same. But still good. A little better in some ways.