Have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? Lucid dreaming is when you are aware you are dreaming. When I was very young I would have terrible nightmares. My mom’s best friend (who I always referred to as my Aunt) taught me how to lucid dream so that I could take control of my nightmares and be less afraid. I have no idea how she did this, because again... I was very young. But I know it worked. To this day, I can still recognize a dream, especially a bad one. I have even been known to start interpreting my dream and it’s meaning while still dreaming. 

Being able to reserve judgment during a conversation it a lot like lucid dreaming. To change the dream, or in this case your reaction, you first have to recognize you are having it. 

Judgment comes from all types of sources. Conscious and unconscious. They come from bias we don’t know we have, beliefs we grew up with, our personal experiences, opinions of those we trust. Our perspective, or personal narrative, is made up from all the things we process in a never ending attempt to make sense of the world around us. Just like the symbols that appear in our dreams.

Great. Now what? 

The first step is to recognize that your reaction, especially your initial reaction could be judgement rising up and clouding your ability to continue to actively listen. It could be the internal monologue that says something like, “No that’s not what happened,” or “That’s not right.” Or maybe the reaction is more annoyed, more like, “Are you kidding me right now!?” Or it could be a physical reaction. Does something tighten in your body? Your stomach, your chest, your jaw. This is a physical sign that you are judging, your body is essentially getting ready to fight. And it can be a combination of internal monologue (or loud thoughts) and physical reactions. 

Step one: practice stepping outside yourself enough to recognize these internal cues. I think about it like I’m watching myself in a dream. You know that unique dream sensation of watching as if you are a character in a movie? Practically speaking it’s about being aware enough to feel or hear your internal reaction when they happen.

Okay. Got it. Now I can set it aside and get back to actively listening. Right? 

I don’t know about you, but once someone sparks that judgment train it’s hard to really listen to anything but my own thoughts after that. That’s why step two is critical. 

Step two: Breath. Yep. Breath. Take a deep belly breath. And then do it again. And for good measure make it three. The deep breaths are a reset for your mind and body. A physical cue to reset and refocus. With practice this can allow you to set aside your judgement so that you can continue to actively listen.

And like lucid dreaming, once you know, you can deepen your understanding. Of yourself. Of those you are communicating with. Of the world around you. 

Just in case you are worried about it- understanding what someone is saying does not mean you agree with them or condone the narrative they are telling. Knowing you are dreaming doesn’t change the meaning. It just allows you to control how you react. Which can allow you to get to a deeper understanding. A deeper understanding can lead you to the right words or actions to communicate back. As a leader, at home, in school, at work, or in your community that kind of deep communication can lead to real change and real progress. 

If life was a dream, and it was my dream...well in my dream we are all seeking to understand as well as be understood. And leaders are spending more time actively listening than talking. The advantage to lucid dreaming is that sometimes you can change the course of the dream from bad... to good.

Fun fact: Did you know that you can spell it judgment or judgement? Apparently the American English spelling is judgment. I learned that today while trying to figure out why spellcheck liked both spellings. You’re welcome.