Have you ever had that dream where you’re screaming but nothing comes out and no one can hear you?

Not feeling heard, not being heard is not a good feeling. In fact, it can be panic inducing in dreams or real life. So as leaders at home, school, work, or in our community we want to create space for people to be heard, we want to actively listen. 

Just in case you haven’t read 32 other blog posts and are asking yourself: what is active listening? The most succinct way I’ve seen it described is: Listening to understand instead of listening to respond. 

“Oh easy.” You think to yourself. “That’s what I do. I always want to understand the other person or people.” Let’s check the box, move onto the next skill to “level up.” 

Then you’re in a conversation and something the other person says sparks an idea and your mind goes racing and you just can’t wait to say it to them. Wait, what was the last thing they said? “Well I got the idea I know what they mean,” you tell yourself, then let the exciting new idea tumble out of your mouth. But wait, why aren’t they as excited as I am? Why does it feel like we’re fighting now? 

And with the best of intentions you’ve fallen into “listening to respond” or “listening until it’s your turn to talk.” You accidentally missed a crucial piece of information or filled in the blanks with the wrong assumptions. 

Over my career I’ve been fortunate enough to work with some of the same people for years. When you work with someone really closely you develop relationships that have their own language. Their own shorthand, which is valuable... until it gets in the way of listening. 

Let me take you back in time (pre-pandemic) to a conference room full of people- lets say 7 of them. Now imagine that 3 or 4  of these people have their own relationship language. There is a topic that to the “outsiders,” looks heated. The “shared language” has resulted in talking over each other, interrupting, and getting frustrated with each other. And worse- this is happening every time these 4 (or 3) get in a room. No one is listening to each other.  

“But how could that happen?” you ask yourself. Surely if these people really know each other, they can hear each other. Right? Because family members have never argued, friends don’t argue…

Well as it turns out, listening to understand instead of to respond is not as easy as it sounds. It’s not a one time declaration or certificate you earn. It’s a muscle you have to build and then actively engage. Like tightening your core when you are off balance. 

How do I know?

Confession time- I was one of those 4 people. Guilty of assuming I was actively listening. That’s a slightly altered number by the way- so you can stop trying to guess who the other 3 are. ;)

So...what did we do? How did we get back on track and start listening to each other again? Did we?

And what can you do to get out of a similar spot?

Tip #1- Acknowledge what’s going on

You have to admit there is a listening issue first. And realize that some people need different things to feel heard. This is where the common tips like “repeat back what the other person said,” are helpful.

Tip #2- You can only control how YOU listen

This one is tough. You can’t control how someone else listens. You can only take responsibility for your part of the conversation. To actively listen, you’ll need to let go of your expectation on how the other person is or should be listening. This is why in conversations I will ask questions at the end of my thought. “Does that make sense,” or “did I miss something, am I being clear?”  In some cases I will even ask the listener, “what did you get from that?” It gives us a chance to fill in any blanks.

Tip #3-Give your self a physical cue 

This was my single, most game changing technique to keep me from interrupting.

Years ago now, I worked with a Director who was an excellent listener. He was an expert at giving his full attention. While in conversation, sometimes he would hold up his index finger and draw a circle around it with the other hand. Then he’d set his hand off to the side with the finger extended. When I asked him why he did that he told me he had a thought and he was tying it around his finger so he didn’t forget it. When we finished our conversation he would then move onto whatever was “tied” to his finger. This was brilliant! I soon adopted it as my own. 

Giving my thought a physical place to be stored allowed me to focus on the rest of what someone was saying. It allowed me to avoid rehearsing my next line in my head. You know what I mean, that thing where you think about how and what you’re going to say while you wait for the other person to finish talking. Meanwhile you’ve totally missed what the person said… oops.

So let’s go back to the slightly fictional group of people that met regularly (pre-pandemic) in a conference room to yell at each other. Never the intent, but it was what was happening. And it was taking its toll on the others in the group. 

The 3 of us (or was it 4...just to keep you guessing), got together to talk about what was happening. We:

• acknowledged there was a problem 

• took responsibility for our part. 

• agreed on ground rules that included what each person needed to feel heard. 

The physical cue became an integral part of the ground rules. We each had our own variation, it had to be something that worked for us. Some people need to write down a keyword others tap their nose. 

Experiment until you find the thing that works for you. The point is to allow you to focus without being worried you are going to lose the thought. 

And thus we solved all our communication issues and saved the world! Okay maybe not, but we did get much better at actively listening to each other. And the entire group benefited from it. 

If life was a dream, and this was my dream…no one would feel like they are screaming voiceless unable to be heard.  We would practice actively listening.

Do you have other techniques you use? Share them in the comments! I’d love to hear them!